Thursday, May 29, 2008

Mom's Regression and other mental issues...

When I was in my 20's, I had a reoccurring dream about my teeth falling out. I would look in the mirror and my teeth would just begin to fall out like chicklets. I had this dream for many, many years during my early 20's. I finally bought a dream analysis book and began to research what this dream might mean. I became somewhat obcessed with my dreams. From my research, I found that dreaming about your teeth falling out means "you are facing your mortality."
When I got married and the babies started coming, the dreams stopped. Come to think of it, so did the sleep.

Tomorrow my firstborn will be a senior in high school. We are planning on looking at universities this summer. Where has the time gone? Where is the little dinosaur loving, Lochness Monster believing little girl who would put ketchup all over her barbies and have the dinosaurs eat them? Where is she? What has time done with her?

I have lately felt more nostaglic, fretful, and sad about the fact that the kids are all growing up. I mean clearly, what is the alternative? But it's happened so fast. So insidiously. Where was I? Why can't I just have one more day of them as little babies? Is this normal to mourn your children's childhoods? I often tell people with new babies to enjoy every single moment because it will be gone before you know it. Time is like a snowball rolling faster and faster down a huge downhill slope. How can I get it to slow down?
I guess I feel like the kids were what was keeping me young. I didn't have to face my mortality or the fact that I am getting older because the little kids kept me young. Or so I have always thought. I guess I am facing the fact that I most likely will not have/get another baby. (I'm not counting that out yet...) But for now, I'm learning to enjoy watching these kids grow up. Jordan and I have so much fun together. She's become such a wonderful young woman. I can't imagine what it will be like when she's gone away to college. Yes, she has promised us an out of state college experience... Oregon, California, Chicago, New York, DC and Boston are all places we are looking into. What if I turn around, wake up tomorrow and they're all grown up? Perhaps I'm just regressing, just like poor little Justine, who is insisting on sleeping in her toddler bed that she gave up years ago. Regressing to a time when I imagine life was so much easier... although I know it wasn't.

Yesterday, my mom said she liked the highlights in my hair. I had to laugh because it's actually highlighted with gray. God's gift to my hair!
I guess I will just keep on making the memories and realize that 20 years from now, I will look back and remember how "easy" it was and wish I was back in the days when the kids were "little."


Diann said...

I had those same teeth dreams in my 20s! Reading your blog in preparation of becoming a mom really helps me realize that I want to cherish each and every experience with my daughter.

Jordan said...

Psychoanalysis is pretty wack. There's a biological theory that dreams are caused by often or recently used neurons randomly firing in the brain during sleep. So if you have a dream about getting old...Freud was a crack addict and sexist pig.
Speaking of which, I had a dream that I got arrested for dialing an incorrect phone number on my cell. The authorities thought I was contacting a terrorist or sending a secret code.