Wednesday, April 30, 2008


No, not literally. I think Jameson and I were both emotionally hungover this morning. It was very cold this morning as everyone got ready for school. She had refused to kiss us goodnight last night or look us in the eye. By the time we went to bed, she was asleep. I was glad to see that she had crawled into bed with Jaiden. They were in their usual position of arms and legs going in every which direction; head to head. I hope she at least got some comfort from her sister.

It sure feels to me that everytime we start really bonding, she pulls away from me. No, not pulls away. More like runs away, kicking and screaming. It's mostly directed towards me. Jeff gets it because he's associated with me. I have so many thoughts running around in my head about what's going on in her little head.

Does she hate me? Does she love me? Does she even know what any of that means? Does she feel guilty for loving me? Is that a betrayal to her mother? Am I like her mother? Am I the opposite of her mother? Does she remember much about her mom? Or is it a magical fantasy perfect mother she remembers? She was 4 when her mother died, however she had been ill for awhile before she died. What kind of relationship did she have with her? I think about poor little Justine who still needs so much of me... what on earth would she do if I just left her one day? Or any of the kids who have had me all of their lives. I just can't imagine.

I know she is hurting. I know she misses Ethiopia. I just wish I knew a way to help her deal with that in a more positive way. She keeps calling me her step-mother. (Is that because she believes me to be evil like the step-mothers invented by good old Walt?) I tried to explain that I was her adoptive mother. I tried to explain that she had two mothers: Nebiat and myself. I may not have had her as a baby, but I love her and waited a long time for her. I wanted to tell her I wish there were no need for adoptive parents. No need for orphanages. I wanted to tell her I wish she were with her mother because in all truthfulness that is what would be best for her. I wanted to tell her that I wish there were no AIDS, no malaria, no illness, no poverty... no need for adoptive parents. But instead I just told her that her mother loved her and that she was in heaven. In a very angry, curt tone, she said, "No she's not." (**Back turn** ** Stomp off mad**)

So in the end, we all went to bed mad, and we all woke up mad.

Susan (my surrogate sister) who is the mother to Jameson and Joshua's cousins and I made a pact last week that we would do one thing for ourselves each day. Today it was U2 as loud as the kids would allow during the carpool extravaganza this morning instead of Hannah Montana or a movie. What song would I find most comfortaing? "Some days are better than others." You go Bono!


Linda said...

Counseling would be an option. She may just need to realize that you are there for her like her birth mother isn't. See if an older individual from there could do some one on one to get her to open up. Just a few thoughts. Love always. MOM E

Jim & Laurel said...

Oh ... I am so right there with you. My kids adore their new Papa, but don't have much need for Mama. Jim finally had to tell Jacob last week, "Sorry, but mom and I come as a package deal."

Praying for you!

Laurel :)

Jim & Laurel said...

WOW!! What a great post!!!! I'm not sure, no I take that back, I'm more convinced than ever that the more movies that kids watch, regardless of the ethnic, or cultural background, the more they are confused about what the word of God says, what reality is, and how America functions or should function. The kids from other countries are totally mislead by those movies, period. They are also, confused because of the misperception, misinformation about America. Some information is true, yet some of the info. is not true.
I understand what you're going through. We continue to go through the same things also. I want so bad to give a pill to solve all the issues that relate to the lack of love shown by our adoptive kids. I yearn for the day when they treat my wife with absolute love and respect. I also know that it will only occur because of the love that comes from Jesus Christ. We display unconditional love, because we are commanded to. But, there are those days, moments when I get frustrated and wonder will it ever happen. That's when the holy spirit reminds me that God Almighty is in control. He's brought these kids here to us for his glory not for mine. (oh yea)
But, again my heart hurts for my wife who so deeply wants the kids to love and respect her. Don't get us wrong, We love these kids. THEY are making progress each and everyday. But when you have a situation like you and Jeff were in it hurts. There is no denying it, we know, we're living it just like you're family.
But, we also know there is hope because of Jesus Christ, period.
May you two be blessed, cared for, surrounded by the holy spirit today, may the love of Christ surround your home each and everyday. Be Blessed Ellerbee Family.