No, not literally. I think Jameson and I were both emotionally hungover this morning. It was very cold this morning as everyone got ready for school. She had refused to kiss us goodnight last night or look us in the eye. By the time we went to bed, she was asleep. I was glad to see that she had crawled into bed with Jaiden. They were in their usual position of arms and legs going in every which direction; head to head. I hope she at least got some comfort from her sister.
It sure feels to me that everytime we start really bonding, she pulls away from me. No, not pulls away. More like runs away, kicking and screaming. It's mostly directed towards me. Jeff gets it because he's associated with me. I have so many thoughts running around in my head about what's going on in her little head.
Does she hate me? Does she love me? Does she even know what any of that means? Does she feel guilty for loving me? Is that a betrayal to her mother? Am I like her mother? Am I the opposite of her mother? Does she remember much about her mom? Or is it a magical fantasy perfect mother she remembers? She was 4 when her mother died, however she had been ill for awhile before she died. What kind of relationship did she have with her? I think about poor little Justine who still needs so much of me... what on earth would she do if I just left her one day? Or any of the kids who have had me all of their lives. I just can't imagine.
I know she is hurting. I know she misses Ethiopia. I just wish I knew a way to help her deal with that in a more positive way. She keeps calling me her step-mother. (Is that because she believes me to be evil like the step-mothers invented by good old Walt?) I tried to explain that I was her adoptive mother. I tried to explain that she had two mothers: Nebiat and myself. I may not have had her as a baby, but I love her and waited a long time for her. I wanted to tell her I wish there were no need for adoptive parents. No need for orphanages. I wanted to tell her I wish she were with her mother because in all truthfulness that is what would be best for her. I wanted to tell her that I wish there were no AIDS, no malaria, no illness, no poverty... no need for adoptive parents. But instead I just told her that her mother loved her and that she was in heaven. In a very angry, curt tone, she said, "No she's not." (**Back turn** ** Stomp off mad**)
So in the end, we all went to bed mad, and we all woke up mad.
Susan (my surrogate sister) who is the mother to Jameson and Joshua's cousins and I made a pact last week that we would do one thing for ourselves each day. Today it was U2 as loud as the kids would allow during the carpool extravaganza this morning instead of Hannah Montana or a movie. What song would I find most comfortaing? "Some days are better than others." You go Bono!