Saturday, November 14, 2009

Silence explained

I've been pondering. Pondering what just doesn't feel right. Pondering what to do about it.

Just Pondering.

Life has been happening so fast around Ellerbeeville. It's hard to put my finger on when things changed for me. I think it was probably around the time of family weekend at the University of Chicago. It was great to see her over that weekend, but somehow driving away this time was much harder than in September. The excitement was gone. Reality set in.

I not only returned home with a lot less cash in my pockets...

But I also returned with an ache.

An ache that won't go away.

I look at Jordan's pictures on facebook and imagine her in the reading room at Harris Hall. I look at my link to her checking account and imagine her in all the places she's spending money all over greater Illinois. I see her everywhere I go. I found a pair of her socks in the laundry somehow after all this time and used them to wipe my tears with.

I'm trying. I'm trying to enjoy life with the remaining. I really am.
I'm trying to keep busy... probably trying too hard to keep busy. I'm trying to make plans for the Thanksgiving dinner she will be absent for.

But I just don't feel like doing it. I don't feel like blogging. I don't feel like reading. I don't feel.

I have an ache that just won't go away.

And I don't know what to do about it.
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6 comments:

Sandee said...

ahhh. hugs.....I just hate even thinking this day will ever come. So I am no help or encouragement. :(

Melissa said...

Oh Gina. I don't have any magical cure to help you either, but I am thinking about you and will be praying for you (I mean it!). I'm so sorry that sadness and/or loneliness consumes you right now. (((HUGS)))

Julia said...

Oh I'm so sorry Gina--depression sucks. Of course you'll get through it yadayadayada but you have to live with the sadness and grief NOW and well...ugh. Hugs and prayers to you.

Gina said...

Gina, this post left tears in my eyes. I feel all of your emotions, even though I don't yet know what you're going through. I think about the inevitable time when my baby leaves for college, and it feels raw and impossible that it's going to happen. So while I can't exactly empathize with how you're feeling right now, I definitely, definitely feel your pain through your words.

Stay strong, Baby. This too shall pass. And if it doesn't, go up there, grab her by the legs and sob dramatically until she comes home with you. ;)

Larsons said...

PRAYER DELIVERY ANGELS ON DUTY!My dearest disciple Gina May you hear JESUS WHISPERING IN YOUR EAR' How pleased I am with your efforts.It will take eternity for ME to show you my gratitude. I so badly need you I want you to think of love. My Mothers love at my birth and her love at the cross. You see, we need bridges built that will transport God's children safely into My heart. My love will flow out from you to others and they will find out that the wounds they suffer are vulnerable to love. WOUNDS MELT AWAY WHEN THEY ARE EXPOSED TO LOVE. Rest on my heart you have been choosen to accept My lovve and to use that love to draw others back to Me. I am watching closely as you struggle ffor greater holiness. I am watching closely as you advance. I am with you in your loneliness and understand. Be at peace, little disciple. I am invilved in all thaat occurs in your life. I am with you and feel MY Presence I will never leave you. Jesus

Larsons said...

Sorry for mispelled word did not proof your imperfect mom I found this prayer. Oh yes, there are two things you can never get away from one is dust and the other is laundry.I kiss the wounds of your SACRED HEAD Jesus, May every thought I have today be a million acts of love for you. I kiss the wounds of YOUR SACRED HANDS, may every thing I touch today be a million acts of love for you. i kiss the wounds of YOUR SACRED FEET, May every step I take today be a million acts of love for you. i kiss the wounds of YOUR SACRED SIDE,MAY EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART, AND EVERY BREATH I TAKE TODAY be a million acts of love for you. mom