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How do you engage?

I'm still struggling with how to engage this child.

I know the symptoms come from her past. I know life in an orphanage is not pretty. I know in my heart that she has never been put first. I know in my heart it takes unconditional love, patience, and time to reverse her behavior.

But it's so hard.

It's so hard to raise a child always who runs for the door to be first in everything, leaving her siblings behind to carry her bag, pick up all the stuff she forgot, basically take second seat to her... ALWAYS.

It's so hard to raise a child who only thinks of others while "eyeing" you to make sure you're watching her share or be kind to someone else... just to watch the behavior disappear the minute she thinks you've looked away.

This has been the battle of my life... to engage her. To make her want to be a part of this family when it's not fun. When there aren't rewards involved. When we aren't watching.

I look at Josh put his arm around Justine as she crosses the street. I watch him share and be patient with his younger siblings... probably more patient than I would be at times. I watch him day in and day out think of others, put others first and do things for us without being asked to.

And I realize it's not necessarily an adoption issue or a orphan issue, it's a Jameson issue.

And I continue to wait for her to decide she's a part of this family... and in the mean time, I give gentle reminders as to what that actually means.

Because we love him this much...

We froze our butts off at two soccer games in Kansas City this weekend. Completing out the day was rain, mud, wind and frostbite.

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You spin me right right right right right round, like a record player...

Life is just so hard

Two years ago, when Josh and Jameson had first come home, Josh was recruited to a competitive soccer league. He met a boy. His name was Alec. He was Josh's first real friend. It didn't matter that Josh barely spoke English. It didn't matter that he was shy and scared of his shadow. It didn't matter that he looked different than the rest of the team. They played soccer together, and this boy helped envelope Josh into the fold of the team.

Through the odd six degrees of separation that divide our family and the Simonson family, who met our kids before we did, and were instrumental in our adoption of Josh and Jameson, we met their neighbors... Alec's parents.

Alec's dad, Scott was recently diagnosed with malignant melanoma. Scott was an avid Mizzou fan, and when I say avid, I mean completely obsessed and crazed fan... Mizzou is my grad school, so I totally agree with his compulsion. He was also the friendliest, most talkative person I've ever known. A few months ago, sitting in his living room, he told us, "I'm gonna beat this. I plan on beating this."

We sat Josh down a few days ago and told him that Alec's dad wasn't doing well and might not make it. Incredulously Josh said, "You mean he might die????" If you know my son, you will know that he is a bit of an onion... we are constantly peeling back his layers to reveal his true self and feelings. What I took from the interaction was "parents aren't supposed to die in America." This isn't supposed to happen. Not here. Not where health care is available and medicine is advanced. Parents aren't supposed to die when their kids are still young.

Two days ago, I received a phone call that Scott had passed away. We sat Josh down to tell him. He was very quiet. He tends to hold his stuff in. He has seen so much. He has experienced so much. So much more than we will ever probably know. I grabbed him and hugged him and wouldn't let go. I could feel the swallow. I know because I'm familiar with the swallow. It's a technique us tough people use to keep from out and out sobbing. For the first time ever, I let go before he did.

We told him that if anyone understood how Alec was feeling, it would be him. We gave him a choice and told him that it would be OK to share with Alec about his past. We told him he might be able to help him through it. It might help both of them. Josh and Alec have been so close. I hope he find in him a friend he can confide in about his own grief and loss or finds someone he can confide in. Even if that's not me. It's still OK. He knows I love him. He knows we're a family and we're in it to win it. We're not going anywhere.

It is so hard to wrap my mind around Josh and Jameson's grief and loss. It so far outweighs my own and I am often times so overwhelmed by it. We go through life doing OK and basically ignoring the elephant in the room until something like this occurs and it brings it all back up to the forefront.

Every once in awhile, I am struck up side the head with how hard life is. It's hard here. It's hard in Africa. It's hard in the morning. It's hard in the evening. It's hard for everyone.

I do know that the last time I talked to Scott, he told me he knew Jesus loved him, and he was OK with where he was going if he didn't beat it. And that gives me comfort. And so today, while we grieve for Alec and his family, we celebrate a job well done for my fellow Mizzou fan Scott.

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New Beginnings

I've been following (obsessing) over this caring bridge site for Audrey Pearce. I went to high school with Audrey's dad Matt. She was born with a heart defect and has been in ICU at Barnes for over a month. She is a fighter. They have an amazing story to tell.

I'm happy to say that Audrey Pearce received her heart transplant yesterday and is doing great! Take some time and read her parents journal about how God has sustained them this month. It is nothing less than awe-inspiring.

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I want this...

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