Walking the black dog

Although Winston Churchill may be the most famous person to use the term Black Dog to describe his depression, the actual term dates back to around 850 AD.

I've been walking my black dog for awhile... and I'm not talking about Morgan (my big black dog)

You all have been witness to my downhill spiral this year. Sheesh, it's been a lot like watching a tame Britney Spears at times, hasn't it? Well, minus the shaved head and straight jacket. I'm not sure when or how it started.

In looking back, I can see that my melancholy, or whatever it was, was definitely exacerbated around October after family weekend at the University of Chicago. This was about the time I realized Jordan was in college and was staying there. The pain I feel missing her is penetrable. Indescribable. Deep. To the core.

This wasn't the only exacerbating factor though. Working overtime to make ends meet with the crap economy. Decline of Jeff's business. Unexpected added expenses. Unrealistic adoption expectations. Just adopting two older children with issues in general is difficult, but when you're me and you think everything should be great from the get-go, well it's not pretty. Going on nothing. Attempting to be everything to everyone. Feeling like I was nothing to anyone. No sleep. No personal space. No time to myself. No money. Nothing. Empty.

I'm just now beginning to crawl out of this hole I've found myself in. Unsure how I got here. Unsure of how I'll get out. But with hope that I will make it through. I finally see a future for myself. I'm making plans. I'm about ready to put the black dog in the yard. Hopefully for good.

Thanks for all your support and sweet words. It feels good to finally be able to verbalize it. It means it's getting better. And that's what's important right now.

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Winston Churchill had a black dog
his name was written on it
it followed him around from town to town
it’d bring him down
took him for a good long ride
took him for a good look around

~Reg Mombassa: Black dog

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Let me tell you, mama, what that black dog done done to me
Let me tell you, mama, what that black dog done done to me
He cheated me from my regular, now he's after my used-to-be
Black dog, black dog, you caused me to weep and moan
Black dog, black dog, you caused me to weep and moan
You cause me to leave my, sweet old happy home
Black dog, black dog, you forever on my mind
Black dog, black dog, you forever on my mind
If you only let me see my baby one more time
So long black dog, I'm quittin' your hard luck line
So long black dog, I'm quittin' your hard luck line
'Cause you got me so blue, keep 'bout to love her sometime

~Black Dog Blues, Blind Arthur Blake, circa 1926-1932

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Winston Churchill may have described his depression as walking the black dog, but he also said, "Never, never, never, never give up."

And that's what I plan on doing.