Excerpts from a mother's diary - part 2

*written Sunday September 20, 2009

I feel like I went to bed and woke up a different person. Completely different.

I went to bed happy. Calm. Rational.

Woke up.... not so calm or rational.

Yesterday was a great day. We did all the things with Jo that we wanted to do.

I knew it was our last full day together.

I wanted to soak in her laugh.

I needed to memorize her smile.

It was the ideal day.

We walked around Chicago. It was perfect. Not too hot, not too cold.

We took off as if we knew exactly where we were headed. Much like Jordan has been throughout her entire life. She has always been the one who knew what she wanted in life and where she was going.

We walked to Lake Michigan.

We rode the gigantic ferris wheel at Navy Pier.

We went to the Art Museum.

Where I immersed myself in Van Gogh's bedroom,

While Jeff's taste lead him more towards Renoir...

We all stood in front of Seurat's Sunday Afternoon on the Island of the La Grande Jatte... all Ferris Bueller style... with our heads tilted to the side.

Memorizing it.

Soaking it in.

Much as we memorized and soaked in the entire day spent with Jordan.

And I had to consider my life as a Seurat painting...

Thousands of tiny experiences all put together...

To create the masterpiece of a lifetime.

This week is my masterpiece.

We have had thousands of experiences leading up to this point.

It's finally here.

I watched Jordan as the nervousness crept after her all afternoon, then completely enveloped her by evening. I desperately wanted to grab her, hug her, beg her to stay. To stay my little girl... But I didn't.

I congratulated myself as I went to bed last night for not being the emotional wreck I imagined I would be. I had a mental picture of myself sobbing, but I refrained.

I tossed and turned a lot.

Then I woke up.

And I felt like crying.

And I imagined leaving her today.

And I was speechless.

Utterly speechless.