Riding the wave...

First of all, let me preface this with: I do not and have never intended this blog to be an arena to air my grievances or cause harm to any of my children/family members. Secondly, this is my only saving grace at sanity. If I can write about it, I can deal with it. So please bear with me, and don't judge me when you read what I'm about to write.

I have had many other adoptive parents attempt to explain the feelings we have for our adoptive children. The most frequent phrase I have heard is "it comes in waves." I don't think there can be a better way to explain it. You go on through the day to day life, and then there are these waves. Waves of emotion you don't really even know what to do with. Emotions stronger than anything I've ever experienced. Waves of heartache and love you never imagined possible. Waves of fear and pain. Fear of what happens in the future. Pain for what has happened in the past. Waves so strong it's easy to get caught up in it. Waves that come up so fast, you lose your footing. Waves that push you under and hold you under....

Today I got caught up in a wave...

We went to a family wedding today and Josh was the most anti-social I have ever seen him. Jameson was dancing on a cooler and asking everyone if they were related to her : ) So I know it can't be just "adoption" stuff. I know it's got to be personality stuff. And I know I have admittedly admired in the past Josh's predisposition to being quiet and thoughtful. But today... today it just annoyed me.

We took family pictures, and he wouldn't even get in them without a lot of prodding. This was before the people actually even started arriving ... so I know it's not just the fact that there were a lot of people there. When I attempted to get him to kneel down for the pictures ... "What? I don't understand." So I told him to do what Jack's doing... So instead he wandered off, ignored me, pretended not to hear me, and in general do the opposite of everything I said...

As soon as the wedding was off, he was gone. Wandering around in the weeds. He refused to get in line for food ... so when I finally made him get in line for food, they were out of hamburgers. He refused to try the BBQ ribs. OH, they were so good. Jameson had 4 of them. He refused to try anything at all. So he ate potatoe chips for lunch. And I let him.
At this point, I was really annoyed. We tried to get him engaged with us. We tried to get him to be a part of the family. He played in the rain.
He stayed out in the rain, by himself for the rest of the day.
In the rain.
Jeff wasn't annoyed at all. I guess he understood Josh's need to be alone. I guess he understood his need to be a boy and play in the woods. But Jack also played in the woods and in the rain, but he also interacted with people. He would come over for his hugs and kisses occasionally. He was still connected. Josh was completely disconnected from us for the whole day.
Maybe I'm just in an annoyed mood. Could be. Could be that I expect more out of him after almost 4 months...

Disclaimer: Please don't send me any hate mail. I only share here because I know it's safe. I know you are my friends, and I know I can spill my guts here. Please don't tell me I'm being too hard on him. I know that. I know in my heart that I have no right to be annoyed. I'm beating myself up as we speak. I know he's hurt and he's new here. I know he's been through so much. But just as Jameson's emotions that she hurls at me hurts, so does Josh's lack of emotions. I just want to scream: DO SOMETHING. Feel something. Get mad, get sad, get it out and move on.
And so we continue on in our daily battle to make sense of it all. Riding the wave all the way to happiness...