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Dear Jordan,

I walked in your room this morning and realized I hadn't been in there since you left weeks ago. Your bed looks like you just crawled out of it that morning, completely expecting to crawl back in it that night. I had to force myself to shut the door and not get sucked into your shrine. It's been a long year for us. I wish I had known how much I was going to miss you. I would have made you get up and spend time with me last summer when all you wanted to do was sleep your time away until college. I'm counting the days until you'll be home again, and a time when I can feel annoyed that you left your bed looking that way again.

Love,
Mom

My traditional baby shower gift...

Diaper Cake Extravaganza...

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Hello, baby; you called. I can't hear a thing. I have got no service in the club you say, say Wa-wa-what did you say?

My kids informed me that they have a new project they're working on.

They plan on doing a remake of the telephone video with Lady Gaga and Beyonce.

Don't worry.

They've only seen the Chipmunks version of the video...

But their plan sounds solid enough...

Justine is Lady Gaga.
Jameson is Beyonce.
Jaiden is producing.
Jack is directing.
Josh is marketing.

I'll let you know when production starts. It should be fun... well at least entertaining.

Field Trip...

Did you guys wonder what we were doing when I snapped this picture of Jack the other day?



We went on a field trip to see my good friend and co-worker Shannon, who is a flight nurse.

We got to sit in the helicopter...



We were able to climb through the helicopter and imagine what it would be like to be flying through the air...



School consisted of going to the library to research helicopters.

We read all about how helicopters fly...



We read all about what different activities helicopters are used for...



Well, Justine pretty much pretended to crash her helicopter over and over again...



And yes, she even pretended the brunette barbie hanging from the ladder was my good friend Shannon...



An activity which Jack even got into eventually...



And just as we were leaving, the alarm went off and the crew hurried to the helicopter and took off...



But not before waving good bye to us!



And we ended the day writing thank you letters to Shannon and a journal entry about what we had learned.

Walking the black dog

Although Winston Churchill may be the most famous person to use the term Black Dog to describe his depression, the actual term dates back to around 850 AD.

I've been walking my black dog for awhile... and I'm not talking about Morgan (my big black dog)

You all have been witness to my downhill spiral this year. Sheesh, it's been a lot like watching a tame Britney Spears at times, hasn't it? Well, minus the shaved head and straight jacket. I'm not sure when or how it started.

In looking back, I can see that my melancholy, or whatever it was, was definitely exacerbated around October after family weekend at the University of Chicago. This was about the time I realized Jordan was in college and was staying there. The pain I feel missing her is penetrable. Indescribable. Deep. To the core.

This wasn't the only exacerbating factor though. Working overtime to make ends meet with the crap economy. Decline of Jeff's business. Unexpected added expenses. Unrealistic adoption expectations. Just adopting two older children with issues in general is difficult, but when you're me and you think everything should be great from the get-go, well it's not pretty. Going on nothing. Attempting to be everything to everyone. Feeling like I was nothing to anyone. No sleep. No personal space. No time to myself. No money. Nothing. Empty.

I'm just now beginning to crawl out of this hole I've found myself in. Unsure how I got here. Unsure of how I'll get out. But with hope that I will make it through. I finally see a future for myself. I'm making plans. I'm about ready to put the black dog in the yard. Hopefully for good.

Thanks for all your support and sweet words. It feels good to finally be able to verbalize it. It means it's getting better. And that's what's important right now.

______________________

Winston Churchill had a black dog
his name was written on it
it followed him around from town to town
it’d bring him down
took him for a good long ride
took him for a good look around

~Reg Mombassa: Black dog

_________________________

Let me tell you, mama, what that black dog done done to me
Let me tell you, mama, what that black dog done done to me
He cheated me from my regular, now he's after my used-to-be
Black dog, black dog, you caused me to weep and moan
Black dog, black dog, you caused me to weep and moan
You cause me to leave my, sweet old happy home
Black dog, black dog, you forever on my mind
Black dog, black dog, you forever on my mind
If you only let me see my baby one more time
So long black dog, I'm quittin' your hard luck line
So long black dog, I'm quittin' your hard luck line
'Cause you got me so blue, keep 'bout to love her sometime

~Black Dog Blues, Blind Arthur Blake, circa 1926-1932

________________________

Winston Churchill may have described his depression as walking the black dog, but he also said, "Never, never, never, never give up."

And that's what I plan on doing.

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