Work in progress

As I have mentioned before, we have been going to a church on the northside which we are really enjoying. Every week the sermons are exactly what we need to hear. This Sunday the sermon was about how to ruin your family. Sounds weird doesn't it? Well it was exactly what I needed to hear. The biblical references for this sermon were the relationships between Isaac and Rebekah, Esau and Jacob. Talk about a dysfunctional family! It makes me feel better about our own little dysfunction.

How to ruin your family:
1) Play favorites.
2) Don't communicate.
3) Don't be honest.
4) Let conflict and anger go unchecked.

It is hard to not play favorites when kids play favorites. Josh really adores Jeff. He mostly tolerates me at this point. When I asked Jameson what was wrong with him and why he acted like he didn't like us... she replied, "Well, he likes dad." OUCH. I have to remind myself that even if he doesn't like me so much, I still have to love him and show him that I love him every single day. That's not always so easy. I have several times in the past several months thought that we were over the hump. I'm not sure I will ever be naive enough to say that, much less write that again. It seems to be a sure fire way to heartbreak. We continue to struggle. We are a work in progress for sure, but we can continue to look for ways to do it in a healthy way.

We also have our communication problems. Josh tends to shut down, turn off and disappear every time he gets mad about anything. This behavior seems to be getting worse. Josh does not communicate well... and I don't mean just because of English. Two separate occasions this week, the boys got in a fight over a stupid video game, so Josh just went to bed and slept for the rest of the afternoon. When I need to talk to him about behavior or something he needs to change... he won't look at me or make eye contact. And by this I mean that he totally turns his head the other direction. There is no chance of making eye contact.

I think honesty and communication go hand in hand. I think sometimes it's hard to be honest when you can't communicate.

Conflict resolution and what to do with anger have been catch phrases this week. Rather than deal with anything... Josh will get mad, throw something and then go to sleep. Jack is angry because he is so frustrated. I am angry because of all of it. Jeff is angry because I am angry. Then I'm angry because Jeff's angry. What a cycle. There has been a whole lot of that going around here. And I realize how toxic that can be. How I am choking in that anger. And how we need to find a better way for all of us to deal with it.

Another thing Tommy said in his sermon this week was that discipline was fine and indeed biblical, but instead of molding your kids into what you want them to be, he emphasized the importance of honoring the personalities God gave them. Let them be who God wants them to be. I needed to hear that. While there are some things that I can change... such as requiring that Josh do the things required of him in this family, as well as learning to show respect and honor to me, I also need to realize that he is who God made him. He is a loner. I don't think he's ever going to be a talkative kid who can't leave my side. There are a lot of things he's never going to be. But I can learn to appreciate the things that he is. I have to deal with the fact that while I thought I was adopting a little boy; I adopted a moody adolescent who doesn't necessarily like me all the time, and I need to be OK with that. I can learn to try to communicate better with him and to chunk this huge angry chip on my shoulder into the garbage.

We are a work in progress for sure. Adoption isn't for sissies or for angry, non-communicating parents either.