epiphany at ellerbee eight

I have done a lot of research on bonding and attachment with adopted older kids. And while I know we have much attachment and bonding to do, I do think this week we have made some head way. I'm not sure what made the difference between Josh and I, but I think whatever it was, it was a God send.

I read a lot about touch and adopted older kids. I gafawwed when the book said you should rock them and feed them like a baby for all the things you missed out on. I kind of put that information in the back of my mind. Somehow, I thought Josh might think I was crazy if I tried to rock him and feed him like a baby! But reading that information again this weekend made me think about what was going on in our family. Josh's attitude and lack of feeling has been affecting all of us. A mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child. Woe is me!

When you adopt a baby, you get the opportunity to hold, kiss, hug, rock, bathe and massage them. You get to meet their every little need. You're there when they cry. You supply their bottles. You get to attach to them on a very personal, very intimate level. When you adopt older kids, a lot of that is uncomfortable. It's foreign. I'm not sure who it's more uncomfortable for. Us or them. This wasn't something I was expecting. I am not typically a "huggey" type person. Being in my husband's family, I have definitely learned how to accept that, but overall, my personality is one that values the "personal space." (*Now girls (you know who you are) don't be upset. It's not that being "huggey" is bad - it's just different for me. And thank you for helping me get over my fear of the huge hug)

Even though I'm not an overly huge fan of public displays of affection, this has never been the case with my kids... as you know I can't seem to get enough of them... from smelling their stinky feet to cuddling with them even at the age of 17. It's been weird with Josh though. You hug, he stiffens. You kiss, he turns his head. I was able to do a lot of this bonding with Jameson as she is VERY affectionate. Spending hours fixing hair is definitely a bonding time for those of you with newly adopted girls! Jameson was so affectionate, even from the very beginning. She was all over me from the minute we picked her up. Josh has been a little more hesitant to commit to this relationship.

I have been trying to make a conscious effort of making contact with him. This weekend I really stepped up this strategy. When he pulled away, I pulled closer. When he hid in his room, I laid down next to him. When he walked by, I pulled him into my lap and tickled him. I allowed him his space and then invaded it, over and over again. I didn't want to freak him out, but I also wanted to let him know that I am serious and I am not giving up on him. Last night, he came and sat down on the floor next to the couch where I was sitting. I started rubbing his head and playing with his curls. He didn't withdraw. He didn't get up and run away. His back didn't stiffen.

HE GOT UP AND SAT NEXT TO ME!

He laid his head on my chest and let me rub his back and his hair, and then he fell asleep. The first time ever!

The child has not left my side today. I was the teacher in his vacation bible school class today and he participated in everything we did. He even sang in worship and did the motions to the songs. He smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He has gone out of his way to help me since we got home today. Without being asked to! Trash, recycling, lunch dishes... Justine started crying in the other room, and he ran in to pick her up and make sure she was OK. (A first and something I've been waiting for!) His mood has definitely changed, and we have had an epiphany here at ellerbee eight. In thinking back over the past four months, I have to realize that everything happens in God's time. I think if I had chased him around like this when he first got home, he would have been scared to death. It was just the right time to step things up a bit. I'm a huge fan of "if it's not working, change it." And I'm not going to beat myself up over what I have and haven't done right with these children. I only have to remember that if it's not working, change the way you're doing it. And that's what I did.

For those of you adopting older children, I cannot stress how important it is to try to make up for all the things your kids have missed. The easy things. The free things. Hug them. Kiss them. Play with their beautiful hair. Let them lay next to you in bed while you read them a book. When they come into a room and look uncomfortable and don't know where to sit and what to do, reassure them and continue to ask. Continue to tickle and rub their backs when you get a chance. Continue to give these little love touches every single chance you can. Eventually they realize that you want them near you. Eventually they give in to allow you into their hearts. I'm sure we still have a lot of bridges to cover, but we both are feeling so much better!

Well I've got to go, Josh is yelling, "mom, mom..." He wants to show me his soccer trick he's been working on. YEAH!

For Minte's mom and all my waiting Hope friends...

It only seems fitting that my 200th post sends a shout out to all of those parents who are still waiting for their kids to come home. Oh, how hard that wait is! Many have been waiting for a long time. The agony of their wait is almost over. HOPE kids are coming home soon! Many have just started this process and are still pregnant on paper. Hold on tight and know that it is so worth it! They will be home soon.

May you be safe while you're waiting...

May you be safe and sleep soundly through the night.
May you be safe as you wake to the morning's light.
May you feel our love from so far away,
May it comfort and protect you throughout each day.

We will pray for you my little one,
Until our time of waiting is done.
We will pray that the Lord keep you safe from harm,
Until the child of our hearts becomes the child in our arms.

Author: Anonymous

It's raining, it's pouring...

It's been raining for hours. It isn't stopping. It's flooding. I'm freaking out.

The water continues to rise. It's about 3 feet from our backdoor. Some roads are closed; some should be. There are "creeks" running that I didn't know existed. Several of the houses nearby are flooded.

We are safe inside, cleaning for our Father's Day BBQ and swim tomorrow. We had to let some water out of the pool because it's overflowing. I hope everyone doesn't mind just swimming in my flower beds because the pool is going to be freezing cold tomorrow.

Pray for us that we don't get washed away overnight!

Quote for the day...

Justine, with a kind of saucey attitude, "Yes, your minus."

A pair of socks and a scout

We have taken this week of soccer camp to attempt to teach the boys about responsibility and the importance of getting their stuff in the laundry. They have been directed to lay out their uniforms, including soccer socks, indoor shoes, outdoor shoes, water bottles and clothes for soccer camp in an attempt to decrease the early am scramble and nervous breakdown of their mother. Josh has definitely had a difficult time with this, and rather than look through their sock drawer, he chose some of Jeff's dress socks off the top of the laundry basket for his soccer socks today. These would be the dress socks. At least they were clean... I think.

I didn't even notice his sockwear until we got in the car and I heard Jack say, "nice socks." When I turned around and looked at his socks, a part of me wanted to make him go to soccer camp like that. The love and logic part of me. The part of me wanting to teach him about consequences. I could have guaranteed an entire day of torment if he wore those socks to camp. I really didn't want him to experience that, and well today was family day... and to be perfectly honest, those were my consequences too. All the other soccer moms would be there. The ones who have their hair fixed all the time. The ones who don't look like they just rolled out of the garden to slide in just under the wire to pick up their kids. Yes, it would be those moms! So I ran back inside and found a pair of soccer socks * you guessed it * on the top of the sock drawer. And yes, for those of you wondering, he does know where the socks are, and yes he does know which socks are for soccer.

After the soccer camp, I was walking up to where Josh was standing with his coach. He could see me coming, but the coach had his back to me. I heard him say, "Is your dad here?" Josh just wagged his finger at me... When the coach turned around, he looked surprised. I'm not sure if he was surprised that I wasn't a dad or that I was white. But I digress. Three different coaches came up to me to ask if Josh could try out for the Springfield Soccer Club Team. That would be the "highly expensive, practice all the time, must be chosen to play for" team. As we were walking away, the coach said to expect a phone call tomorrow. Then another coach said to expect several phone calls tomorrow... what does that mean?

I immediately imagined a book with a touching story about a little boy from an orphanage in Ethiopia who made it big in soccer after being adopted by a wonderful, loving family....

I think Jeff immediately saw this:

When I explained to Josh what a club team was, his response was, "I play with Ronaldinho?"

Ronaldinho is a professional soccer player who Josh adores. Not quite buddy, but maybe later.

We are so proud of him and will let him try out next week. If he makes it on the team, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am so happy because he is so happy. I finally saw a smile today and if I could see that everyday, it might be worth the price of being on a club team...

An apology

I would like to apologize to my neighbors for inadvertently playing the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie over my new outdoor speakers which are evidently connected to my TV in the basement. I also apologize for doing so at a volume level 53. My bad. I obviously don't understand the way things work around here. OOPS.

Seriously? Dude, I could be a pedophile...

So we're finishing lunch today and the girls are getting ready to go swimming... the doorbell rings. I know it can't be the double trouble blonds from up the street because Justine has already stalked (er, I mean looked in their windows and rang their doorbells a thousand times to see if they're home...) So when I open the door there is a man, who hands me his card which says "Adam, the handsome handyman." He explains that he's roofing the house up the street which caught on fire last month. (And no, my son didn't have anything to do with it... I already checked into that) So he goes on to explain that his wife had to go to work and she dropped off his son with him. "I saw that you had a trampoline in the back, so I wondered if he could stay and play?"

"Seriously? Dude, I could be a pedophile!"

I couldn't help it. It slipped out before I realized it.

I cannot even IMAGINE leaving my 5 year old or any age child with a complete stranger just because I saw a trampoline in the backyard.

So what did I do, you ask? Well, what do you think I did? What would be the typical "Gina" response... (after of course outing myself as a potential child molestor)

"Sure. Why not?"

I wanted to ask him to sign a waiver, a release of responsibility in case of injury. But I
couldn't find any of those handy at the time.

At first, I was pissed. Really, really pissed. Pissed at myself for never having a backbone.
Pissed at the Handsome Handyman for putting me in that position. Pissed that some people don't take parenting seriously enough. Pissed that people could put their kids in such potentially bad situations because of their poor planning and prioritizing. Pissed that it's never enough. Pissed that I give and I give and I give and it's never enough.

So I found him an old swimsuit of Jack's and put sunscreen on him, this little child, whose
name I keep forgetting, who has a freshly shaved mohawk and poop stains in his underwear that he left on my deck. I began to feel sorry for him and his family. I began to think about when I was a single parent, trying to work and unable to find anyone to watch my daughter. I thought about the desperation I felt about trying to make enough money to pay the bills, much less the astronomical price of daycare.

And so, little Brendon is here for the afternoon. Our friends teenage daughter Emily also came
down to swim and is actually playing with all of the kids... so I'm sitting in my shaded cabana, sipping lemonade and blogging. What am I complaining about?

I am trying to figure out a way to let "Adam, the handsome handyman" know that this is a one time thing. He's not going to make a habit out of getting free childcare out of us. I have done enough!

I also want him to know that I seriously could have been a child molestor. How do you ever really know? You cannot just pick random people off the street to watch your kid. Watch the news. Make a plan and figure it out. Grow up. Quit relying on your good looks. OK, that last part was just because I thought his business cards were stupid.

4 months home

Well it dawned on me today that we have been home for 4 months today.
What's happened in 4 months?
4 birthdays. Ice storms, snow storms, tornadoes, floods. Flowers have bloomed. Pools have opened. Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day. Last day of school. Soccer games. American idol finale. Many hours of laughter. Many bouts of tears.
Today was an especially rough day dealing with responsibility and attitudes. The girls fought ALL day long... and of all things to fight about... sharing some clothes a friend brought over for them. They have more clothes than they can know what to do with... UGH!
I continue to struggle with so many things. So many things that aren't what I thought they would be. So many things are.
What have I learned in the past 4 months?

• I have recognized the importance and value of time - sometimes I think that the one thing keeping me going is the promise of time. The promise that things will get better consistently with a little more time. I was holding on for summer for things to be "better." Now I'm just holding on.
• I have recognized the importance of unconditional love.
• I have recognized the importance of identifying the lessons we are learning every single day... yes even the bad days have important lessons in them.
• I have recognized how important it is for parents to say "no" more than they say "yes."
• I have recognized how important rules and consequences are.
• I have recognized how important hugs and kisses are... even when you're not feeling kissey and you're kids seem unhuggable.
• I have recognized kids are kids no matter where they are from.
• I have recognized it's not as easy as it looks... and it doesn't look all that easy.
• I have recognized that grief can come at all different times and look like a lot of different emotions. You can grieve "things" as well as people... food, weather, music, pride, ideas, dreams and the past to name a few. And it's not just affecting the new kids, but our family as a whole. You can grieve from change, even good change. You can grieve from growth, even expected, anticipated and wanted growth. Just as the kids sometimes awake with leg aches and "growing pains," so does a family awake with some aches when it's growing. And that doesn't mean it's a bad thing; it just means it's a part of life thing.
• I have recognized the importance of spending time together as a family - the importance of using every opportunity to be PRESENT with them and not just in the same house.
• I have recognized the importance of not taking things personally - just because Josh sits at the top of the bleachers while we sit at the bottom doesn't mean that he hates us. Perhaps he just likes the top of the bleachers. It doesn't always have to mean something.
• I have recognized the value of maintaining a good sense of humor in the face of change and adversity. I think this has been vital to our survival. We HAVE to laugh about something hysterically every single day. It really is the best medicine.
• I have recognized that watching the girls sleep cuddled up together in one twin bed because they can't bear to be alone is absolutely heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.
• I have recognized that brothers can be made in 4 months time. Those two know each other. They take care of each other. They get it. They greet each other with a wrestling body slam as a way to say "good morning."
• I have recognized that sometimes my kids are more mature, patient and loving than I am.
• I have learned that adopting older children is a complicated process with many issues.
• I have also learned that it is so worth it! I can't imagine life without all of them. I would have a clean house and be well rested... but that's about it. I would be lost and lonely without all of them or any of them.

We are a puzzle, figuring out where the pieces fit, turning them, right side up, upside down, trying to not force pieces where they don't belong. We are a puzzle. You won't be able to see our full beauty until we get all the pieces in the right place, but we would not make sense without ALL of the pieces. We will be a masterpiece.